“Everybody gets better looking the longer you are deployed”

Ever wonder why movie stars have affairs with their fellow actors and actresses when they make movies?  It is because they keep working so closely together that the hormones start to kick in and pretty soon they are doing the “…brown chicken brown cow!” (As my son likes to say.) I am not sure what that means exactly, but I imagine it means ruined marriages, jealousy, uncontrollable sexual urges and other unfortunate outcomes.

I think it is safe to say (I don’t want to burst any bubbles) that there are Soldiers having sexual relations in country.  Some Soldiers get pregnant (so far only female Soldiers) and many Soldiers get assorted venereal diseases.  There are condoms readily available so for those who are available and ready to be sexually active.  For those many Soldiers who are happily married, deliriously happily engaged or just not given the proper time or access to the opposite sex (or, as the new law passed the Senate, the same sex) there isn’t a need for condoms.

But through those long lonely nights and fast paced work days an attraction can take hold that can’t be stopped.  General Order #1 notwithstanding, there isn’t a force out there that can stop nature.  They are only speed bumps on the road to dark places and sweaty encounters.  In fact General Order #1 (GO#1) doesn’t explicitly forbid sexual relations; but there are enough other regulations that make it a minefield to be carefully navigated.  A talk with one JAG (Known as CPT Eliot because of his vague resemblance to Eliot Spitzer) basically leaves the option of having sex say, in a dumpster (true story), as long as the lid is down (so it isn’t public indecency) the two parties aren’t committing adultery and aren’t1 committing the act in front of another Soldier all of which are punishable under the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ.)

GO#1 makes everything that young Soldiers (and some old Soldiers) like to do; drink, possess pornography (like Playboy magazine or have computer access to images like it), proselytize their faith, gambling, having a pet or bringing home war trophies.  While it can be argued that this is all important for good order and discipline (and just between us I agree with most of these ideas) essentially they are outlawing what in America would be considered by many Americans as “Fun”.

But American’s don’t allow their fun to be outlawed so quickly and will try to circumvent the rules when they think they can get away with it.  At home we might speed a little, make an illegal U-turn, jay walk or even smoke some marijuana in the privacy of your own home.  Soldiers are no different; Soldiers have gone to jail for trying to take home war trophies; sneaking alcohol into Iraq using Scope bottles and brining in and using drugs. 

So what is the biggest misconduct the army could have you ask?  Drugs?  Pornography?  Alcohol?  Nope.  It is the hormonal imbalance that comes from deployment.  Female Soldiers who used to be one female among many become a rare commodity.  Male Soldiers are more isolated than normal and suddenly women who would normally never receive a second glance have some very attractive qualities.   The skin blemishes don’t look so bad, the short and fat look a little thinner and a little taller.  Married Soldiers look more single and available and single Soldiers look more available than normal.

But the biggest problem is that senior officers and NCOs are getting a little too close to their immediate subordinates.  These Soldiers in positions of responsibility and authority are just seeking shelter from the storm.  They don’t go out looking but sometimes they are struck by a simple twist of fate.  Late hours at work; some intimate verbal secrets shared and a little attraction can become an unstoppable urge that allows intelligent, mature people to throw caution to the wind and good sense and the UCMJ out the window.  Like a boss dating a secretary, a coach having relations with an athlete or any other position where the power of one could be help over another.

Next thing you know they are investigated for a violation of the UCMJ.  A normal progression is to NOT prosecute through normal channels because it takes so long and requires tremendous resources that instead the JAG goes to secret option  known by the code name GOMOR (pronounce GOMOR) also known as “Plan B”.  The GOMOR is referred to as a General Officer Memorandum of Reprimand.  It is an administrative action that essentially ends all hope of promotion and unless a Soldier is eligible for retirement they will not be promoted and forced to leave the service when their obligation is up.

GOMORs are normally filed in your permanent file (at the discretion of the General signing it) and this allows you a chance to rebut the letter.  But what promotion board or retention board is going to believe you over a General Officer who has had the incident thoroughly investigated?  (Answer:  None.)

Honestly?  Some drivers and aides can be pretty darn cute.  You can almost be fatherly with them.  Even good officers can go bad when you spend too much time (any time) alone with another Soldier of the opposite gender.  Even last night I slowed to offer a ride to two Soldiers who I know who are both good married officers.  It was dark and they were walking back to the BOQs which is about ¼ mile away.  They both declined a ride as they seemed to be involved in an intense conversation.  I said to the other officer I was with, “That is how trouble starts” and he said “I was thinking the exact same thing!”

What else gets Soldiers in trouble in Iraq?  CHU (Container Housing Unit) violations (where a male Soldier or Female Soldier is in another gender’s room during an unauthorized period (like an overnight stay?)  SPICE use (not salt, pepper or cayenne) but a drug that is illegal but is not currently detected using the standard urinalysis process.

How do we prevent these occurrences as Soldiers?  Find something distinctly not attractive in the Soldiers of the opposite gender you come in contact with (and know they will get better looking each day!)  Avoid any close contact or friendships where you are alone with another gender Soldier whether it is eating alone with them at the DFAC (chow hall), doing physical training together (strange but when you aren’t married people look sexy when they sweat) and don’t spend time alone with just one Soldier of the opposite gender …and don’t do drugs!