“Sir, you make US nervous!”

We pulled up to the clothing sales building to get a nametag for my LT who asked me to pick it up for him.  “Hey, Sir, um, if you could pick that up that would be great.  Uh, sir, you know I ordered it with the sage green border and they called and said it was black.  Can you ask for a discount for me?” 

I can’t believe it.  He wants me to grind the nametag shop lady for a reduced price on a nametag that he ordered…”Sure!  No problem.  How much is it?  What should I ask to pay?”  “Sir, well they were going to charge me $10.00, so maybe 50%, only $5.00?”  “You want me to ask for a 50% discount?  Sure, but what if they don’t take that?” 

“Hey man, I need to go into clothing sales while you get that nametag.  Good luck on that discount thing!” said the XO as he got out of the car. 

The III Corp CSM parking space had a vehicle in it and I wanted to see what the CSM drove (a car is a reflection of your soul or self image, some would say).  As I walked closer though I had to smile because there were some workmen fixing lights and they were parked in the spot.  They didn’t know what a CSM was or who would catch what hell if it was a regular Soldier and they were caught.

Inside there were a bunch of privates standing outside the nametag shop door.  “Wow!  Quite a line!”  “No sir”, said the PFC who appeared to be in charge, “we are just waiting outside here for the rest.” I stepped in and there were about 5 privates in line and one to my left and a specialist was with him, obviously in charge. The private to my left wasn’t in line, but maybe I was blocking the e door.  He was at attention.  

Unfamiliar with that “new Soldier scared of everybody” look I said, “Relax, man, you make me nervous (which it does;  I don’t carry other people being too formal with me very well;  I should have said, “at ease, relax” but I wasn’t thinking.)  The last Soldier in line looked over his shoulder and he was also at attention (mostly) and he said, “Sir, you make US nervous!”

Good point.  Nobody trusts people senior to them because you always assume the guy is a jerk and will go crazy on you for some military courtesy you missed.  Privates fear sergeants and everybody else; LTCs and Majors fear Colonels and Generals and so it goes.  

“I am just in line with you guys, relax.”

Then I noticed that they all had these little orange vests in bags and they were getting name tags made.  I had seen a couple of Soldiers wearing them instead of Battle Belts over their PFU (APFT) uniform.  It was remarkable because they actually looked dumber than the battle belts, which I had finally adjusted to seeing on everybody all the time.  The vest only goes down to about 6 inches below the sternum.  It looks like a soccer penny that doesn’t fit right and is designed for someone about age twelve. I was really shocked at the look and it had abused my eyes.  (Think international orange reflective vests worn by a road worker picking up trash only half sized.)  Ugly, inconvenient and apparently confining.

“Can I ask what you guys are doing with the vests?  How many name tags are you getting?” “Sir, we are getting two tags for the front and two for the back”  “Two?  What is that for?” (The normal uniform has two; one says U.S. Army and the other is our last name). 

“Yes sir, our name tape and our unit.”  “Just so I understand this they are requiring you to buy a vest and then get four name tags made and then you take those name tapes across the hall to the cleaners and they sew them on.  How much does that all cost?”  “Well name tags are about $6.00, and it costs $2.00 per patch to sew them on and of course the vest is about $12.00.”  Before I do the math in my head (I am an aviator, I can do that!) I have to say I am amazed that it costs more to sew a patch on then it does to make the patch in the first place.  

Add it all up and that is about $26.00 for each Soldier mandated by somebody… (Probably a CSM at some level.)   The army has a uniform policy for a reason; if you have to have it they must issue it to you (for enlisted Soldiers).  But there is always somebody trying to make Soldiers spend money on stuff or things. 

“So and so is retiring.  You need to go to his retirement or at least help buy his gift; $35.00 please?”

 In the army there are more people who retire of change duty positions and there is a little party for all of them.   It gets annoying but as an officer it is an expected part of being gracious and professional.  For an enlisted man it gets to be more than pocket change.  I always find that just a little inconsiderate of “Leaders” who aren’t thinking.   

I finally get to the front of the line (it moves pretty fast; they do a lot of name tags here).  The lady goes to get the tag.  She hands it to me.  “Did he already pay?”  “No, I don’t think so, but this isn’t what he ordered so he has my number he can call us to reorder if he wants to.”  Just like that, no charge and the LT has a cool patch that goes on the left sleeve that is similar to the name tags we used to wear when we had one piece green flight suits.  It has your name, your rank and your wings on it and goes on the left shoulder above the unit patch.  It has to be locally approved by the unit commander.  They are a method of self expression  and people can get all kind of cool designs into the background along with the other information; as an example a half an American flag and a helicopter that you fly all in the green colors. Very cool.  The one my LT ordered has a black border and actually looks rather pedestrian for what is available.  Boring.

The Specialist mentioned above tells me “Uh, sir, your reflective tab is showing” and points to the same spot where my patch would go if I was really cool (but I am not).  It is normally covered by a little tab that folds up so you only expose it if you are in combat and it helps you be seen at night under night vision goggles. 

“Thanks!  I actually leave it exposed to see how many people correct me.  So far you are number three!”  Another minute passes and he asks again, “Sir is that exposed because you are wearing your weapon?”  I have my pistol in my shoulder strap that is a custom design by my buddy Tom Murphy (a special blog post coming soon about him).  It is very old school and he made it for his first deployment I believe.

“No.  (Obviously he didn’t listen the first time, after all the excitement of correcting a LTC when he is out of uniform is a gutsy move; it makes it hard to hear)  Actually (and I reach into my left arm pocket and lift the flap) it is just how I sometimes just want to have a little fun with it all (and I expose the small patch I have under the flap that in red thread on ACU green material that  says “Ask me why I am so happy?” with a yellow smiley face.)  I show him the California state flag under my right arm pocket flap cover and then smile pat him on the shoulder and say, “If you know what I mean.”  “He smiles broadly and says “Oh!  Yes sir!  I like that!  Cool!” We head back to the car.

“You know I think I am just going to tell the LT she only gave me a 5% discount.  What do you think?”  “Sure man.  That sounds good.  Funny too!”